In which nature, if not red in tooth and claw per se, is damn disturbing enough

So.

Many of you have heard the story of how, when I was in Austin, TX, in 1999, my friend Liz and I witnessed a squirrel murder.

We were walking around the capitol building grounds, having duly noted the confederate memorial, but more happily noting the perfection of the early spring day. We saw a pair of squirrels happily frolicking, or so we thought, on the grass. As we continued on our way around the vast expanse of lawn in front of the capitol, we saw one squirrel (henceforth to be referred to as Squirrel A) chasing the other squirrel (HTBRTA Squirrel B) at a breakneck pace that more or less was forming an.... arc that would have an endpoint at the part of the lawn to which our stroll would soon be tangent (wheee, tenth grade geometry, don't fail me now). The squirrels were wrestling a bit as we approached, which we thought was really cute until Squirrel A started a weird repetitive pounce attack on a now-prostrate Squirrel B, shortly after which red stripes began to appear on Squirrel B's stomach, and then Squirrel B stopped moving and Squirrel A ran off. It all happened so quickly that we went from charmed to slack-jawed with horror in the space of about two minutes. "Oh my god, "I said. "We just witnessed a squirrel murder!"

I have never been one of the many people who are freaked out or disturbed by squirrels; in fact, I find them terribly Beatrix Potter-y and adorable, despite having witnessed this seemingly pointless instance of squirrel-on-squirrel violence. I am particularly charmed by the black squirrels that popped up in Chicago and Evanston last Christmas. Until this past week, I felt that the squirrel murder I witnessed was some kind of aberration, rather than the norm.

I may have to reassess, and add squirrels to the short list of Animals Whose Continued Existence I am in Favor of, as Long as it Involves no Interaction with Me, Thank You Very Much. That list currently looks like this:

a) Monkeys

b) All Other Primates who are not Gorillas, because they seem Mellow and Kind of Cool

This antipathy was fostered during my trip to Africa, when I realized that most common monkeys are basically like really smart, really big rodents with opposable thumbs, a gang, and a plan to Take Your Shit. Not to mention creepily human little baby faces. And baboons I don't even want to talk about, because... ten times bigger, with FANGS, and.... yeah. The not-very-good movie The Rundown endeared itself to me permanently through its excellent use of baboons as vehicles of terror. Said antipathy was cemented when Henry told me about a recent incident where a couple was severely and viciously mauled by a couple of chimpanzees (who, it should be noted, are NOT AS LARGE AS BABOONS, not to mention the humans they were mauling). I'm not saying that we probably don't deserve whatever the primates decide to dish out, what with the years of experimenting and monkey-skin jackets and all, but I would like to be nowhere near that particular type of retribution if I can help it, thank you very much. This is not a phobia, it is a WELL-INFORMED (or at least anecdotally un-contradicted) decision.

Anyway. Squirrels, despite my having witnessed their intra-species homicidal potential, were not on that list. Possibly because I don't feel that they have quite the same wherewithal, what with being a)small b)non-bethumbed and c)not so bright, really.

However.

I was out walking my dog, and, on returning to my house, saw a peculiar... bundle of squirrel at the far edge of my lawn. Basically, I saw a fairly large mass of brown fur and two bushy tails, so I pretty much assumed I was witnessing some early morning squirrel coitus. Then the squirrel on top lifted his head and I realized that, in fact, he was carrying another squirrel IN HIS MOUTH, with that squirrel's tail draped around his neck like a feather boa. He then proceeded to RUN UP A PALM TREE, still carrying the other squirrel in his mouth. Now, I don't know if it was an entire squirrel or just... the... lower half of one, but it was NOT MOVING, and... rather disturbing.

So. Squirrels. One murder away from going on The List.